Sometimes life is broken. You are going to need the strength to pick up the broken pieces and move on.

For those of you who do not know, Nick called and broke up with me while he was in Iraq. Was this expected? No. Despite this fact, there comes a point in your life when you realize that maybe things needed to happen this way. Was our relationship perfect? Absolutely not. Did I do things wrong? Yes, of course I have done many things wrong in the past, but the last little while  I was fully supportive of Nick's goals and the place his life was headed. My goals, however, were not the same as Nick's. School and my education have always been the most important thing in my life. I would sacrifice anything for my future career. I have had a lot of time to think over the last week, and I have realized one thing-- I was going to be a house wife. That's where my life was headed. Would I ever be happy being a stay at home mom/wife? Probably not. I have dreams and ambitions. I want to travel the world, I want to go to grad school eventually, and most importantly I want to educate and impact people's lives. Was the break up mutual? Was I thinking all of these things at the time he did this to me? Absolutely not. I was heart broken. Nick and I have been through many things together. He has been the biggest part of my life since I was nineteen. Will I get through this? Yes. Will it take time? Absolutely. I feel like I let my family down. They did so much for Nick. I feel stupid because I was supposed to get married and now I am not. I cringe when people ask me why I am not wearing my wedding ring. Did I expect to be engaged more than once in my life? No, but sometimes you have no control over the things that happen to you. Do I cry still? Sometimes, because I know I didn't do anything wrong. Apparently we weren't right for each other though. Did I expect it to happen when he was on the other side of the world? No, I thought he was more civil than that, but you live and you learn. For those of you that fully supported Nick and I, I feel bad. For those of you that took time out of your lives to help me plan a wedding, I sincerley appologize. For those of you that had my back through this "four month" deployment, you are the best.  For those of you that have been here through the heart ache and tears, thank you! Nick was my "college sweet heart." I was with him all four years of college. I graduated college in May, so I suppose it's just time to close a chapter of my life and move on.  All wounds take time to heal. Lucky for me, I didn't get married eight months ago like was initially planned. Putting time into something that was never going to work is hard, but I am not as upset anymore. I am just tired. Tired of wasting my time. Will we get back together? No. I know some of you don't believe me, but it's true. I am done wasting my time. I am done with the heart ache. I feel I deserve better. Much love to my friends and family. Ash.

Out of the mind of a crazed adolescent...(a blast from the past).

Here is some poetry I found while going through my stuff today. I wrote these when I was sixteen (my students' age.) I was a little different. I found these interesting to look back on because there is much  more to sixteen year olds than meets the eye ;). One day, I just might post some more current stuff, but in all honesty, I suck at the poetry game.

Apostrophe to a Bottle

If only you could speak I know what you would say to me.

You would at first introduce yourself.

Hello, my name is Jack.

You would say it so nonchalantly and so at ease.

You would cause me to fall in love with you.

Your burning passion would become my addiction.

Your belligerence my desire.

You would become my obsession, my life, my whole world.

Just as the moon and stars shine on, so would you and I.

Yet, I know your falsifications and deceptions all too well.

I know your unjust motives,

and what you have terrorized in relationships before.

You cause hearts to shatter,

families to flee,

and souls to ache.

This time you will you not shatter me.

I am too strong.

Instead I will break you down, and let the shards of glass fall.

Changes

The leaves keep falling;

A love is coming to an end.

Falling in the wind.

What a lethal sin.

Letting go of your control.

Heart waiting to mend.

Changing

Crimson red and yellow.

You stand down below.

My mind is aching.

Awaiting your prescence.

A shattered glance

This life is a broken lie.

Forgetting s promise

A heart in a sudden trance.

Snowglobe

Spellbound in a world.

A story from inside.

Frozen in time like an ice berg.

Glass slowly shattered,

Watching as it slowly collides.

Shivering during the dark night.

A trapped humanity is finally free.

The Cascade of Life

A lone pinecone sits on a deserted island like an outsider;

Surrounded by the mysterious.

Things of a different species,

A different genus,

A different kingdom.

The peculiar figures are lifeless.

Familliar existence is eons away.

The murky water and rippling waves are a trap.

Desolation and loneliness

A tortured soul is lost.

The reunion waits upon the shore

The reflections are the only confidant.

Cascading water is the only language understood.

Sunlight

I open my eyes

and the sunlight pours in with its shimmering brilliance.

It guides me,

Promotes my sense of liveliness.

Sunbeams gleaming from afar.

It seizes the living, the inanimate

and then departs

leaving a promise of moonlight.

"By Any Other Name"

Innocent and naive at first glance.

So beautiful and graceful.

The fragrance penetrates the nose with feelings of lust and passion.

The bane is seen in the thorns.

Laced with crimson red and deep purple.

The petals tell a story that is rarely told.

A tale of infidelity, death, and deception.

Only a facade of hope and ecstacy.

"Music of My Life"

Today in class my students presented their "theme song projects." For this project, the students were asked to find four songs that represented their "big idea" or theme during  different time periods in their lives (birth-preschool, elementary school, middle school, and high school). The students then used these songs to help explain what their lives were like during these time periods in an essay. One student said, "Miss Hoyle, what would your song be?" I felt it was appropritate for me to figure that out.I am going to use the following time periods for my "project": (elementary,high school, college, and adult-hood or my present life). No, I am not going to write an essay, but I am going to post the lyrics to four songs and explain why I chose them in a short blurb. This is just for fun. My students will not read this, but I thought my friends and family might want some insight into what I am doing at school.

 1- Elementary aged.
Pink "Family Portrait"

Momma please stop cryin, I can’t stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breakin as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn’t mean those nasty things you
said

You fight about money, bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, you’ll see
I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done
my family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave

Daddy please stop yellin, I can’t stand the sound

Make mama stop cryin, cuz I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says
its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love
you, too

I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don’t wanna go back to that place, but don’t have
no choice, no way
It ain’t easy growin up in World War III
Never knowin what love could be, well I've seen
I don’t want love to destroy me like it did my
family

Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do anything
Can we work it out? Can we be a family?
I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don’t
leave

In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let’s play pretend, let's act like it comes
naturally
I don’t wanna have to split the holidays
I don’t want two addresses
I don’t want a step-brother anyways
And I don’t want my mom to have to change her
last name

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I’ll be better, Mommy I’ll do
anything)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
Let's play pretend act and like it comes so
naturally
(I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don't
leave)
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
(Can we work it out? Can we be a family?)
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
(I promise I’ll be better, Daddy please don't
leave)

Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Turn around please
Remember that the night you left you took my
shining star?
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Daddy don’t leave
Don't leave us here alone

Mom will be nicer
I’ll be so much better, I’ll tell my brother
Oh, I won’t spill the milk at dinner
I’ll be so much better, I’ll do everything right
I’ll be your little girl forever
I’ll go to sleep at night

-The lyrics of this song say it all. In second grade my parents split up, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. I remember trying so hard to get my parents back together. I literally became physically ill from the fighting and the sadness. I felt that if only I tried harder my parents would stay together.

2- Highschool aged
Sum 41- "Fat Lip"

Stormin' through the party like my name was El nino
When I'm hangin' out drinkin' in the back of an El Camino
As a kid, I was a skid and no one knew me by name
I trashed my own house party 'cuz nobody came

Now, I know I'm not the one you thought you knew back in high School
Never goin' never showin' up when we had to
Attention that we crave don't tell us to behave
I'm sick of always hearin' act your age

Chorus:

I don't wanna waste my time
Become another casualty of society
I'll never fall in line
Become another victim of your conformity
And back down

Be-cuz you don't
Know us at all we laugh when old people fall
But what would you expect with a conscience so small?
Heavy metal and mullets it's how we were raised
Maiden and priest were the gods that we praised

'Cuz we like havin' fun at other people's expense and
Cuttin' people down is just a minor offense then
It's none of your concern, I guess I'll never learn
I'm sick of bein' told to wait my turn

Repeat Chorus

Don't count on me, to let you know when
Don't count on me, I'll do it again
Don't count on me, it's the point you're missin'
Don't count on me, cause I'm not listenin'

Well I'm a no goodnick lower middle class brat,
Back packed and I don't give a shit about nothin'
You be standin' on the corner talkin' all that kufuffin
But you don't make sense from all the gas you be huffin'
Then if the egg don't stain you'll be ringin' off the hook
You're on the hit list wanted in the telephone book
I like songs with distortion, to drink in proportion
The doctor said my mom should have had an abortion.......

Tie Chorus in with ending

Waste my time with them
Casualty of society
Waste my time again
Victim of your conformity
And back down

 -I chose this song because when I was a teenager, I was always going against what society expected from me. I had no rules and no limits. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. Trust me my dad had a lot of heart ache during my teenage years. I also was an outcast. I had a few close friends, but for the most part, I did not care what anyone thought about me.

3. College-
 Taylor Swift "Mine"

Ohh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Ohh, oh, oh, oh, oh
You were in college working part time waiting tables
Left a small town, never looked back
I was the flight risk with the fear of fallin’
Wonderin’ why we bothered with love if it never lasts
I say ”Can you believe it”
As we’re lying on the couch
The moment I can see it
Yes, yes I can see it now
Do you remember we were sittin’ there by the water
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine
Flash forward and we’re taking on the world together
And there’s a drawer of my things at your place
You learned my secrets and you figure out why I’m bothered
You say we’ll never make my parents’ mistakes
But we’ve got bills to pay
We got nothing figured outWhen it was hard to take yes, yes
This is what I thought about
Do you remember we were sitting there by the water
You put your arm around me for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine
Do you remember all the city lights on the water
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine
Woah oh ohh
And I remember that fight 2:30 AM
Cause everything was slippin’ right out of our hands
I ran out crying and you followed me out into the street
Braced myself for the goodbye
Cause that’s all I’ve ever known
And you took me by surprise
You said ”I’ll never leave you alone”
You said
”I remember how we felt sittin’ by the water
And every time I look at you it’s like the first time
I fell in love with a careless man’s careful daughter
She is the best thing that’s ever been mine”
Oh oh
Make it last
Hold on
Never turn back
You made a rebel of a careless man’s careful daughter
You are the best thing that’s ever been mine
Woah oh
Yeah, yeah… Do you believe it
Woah oh
We’re gonna make it now.
Woah oh
And I can see it yeah, yeah
And I can see it now, See it now, See it now

-My freshman year in college I found my first true love, Nick. We dated throughout college, and besides my constant studying, the majority of my life revolved around him. Yes, we have had our arguments, but he truly is the "best thing that's ever been mine." The bold face lyrics perfectly sum up how mine and Nick's relationship was through my college years.

4. Adult-hood (my life right now)-
 One Republic "Come Home"

[Verse 1]
Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So i say you’ll..

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh

[Verse 2]
I get lost in the beauty
Of everything i see
The world ain’t as half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons
If all the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now..Yeahh
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh

[Interlude]
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
Everything i can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why i need you here
So hear this now

[Chorus]
Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
And right now there's a war between the vanities
But all i see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

-To those that know what's going on in my life right now, the lyrics of this song say it all.

The story of a teacher and a soldier, it goes something like this...

I posted this on Facebook awhile ago, and now that I am officially a "blogger" I figured it was appropriate to put it on here :).

A little over three years ago I met the love of my life, Nick Susano Behling. It has been a crazy ride, and yes it has had its ups and downs, but none the less it has been amazing. Nick and I started out as friends. I hung out with him and his roomates every night for almost three months before we started technically dating. In July of 2008 I stole a Tom Petty CD from him, in hopes that he would call me to have me return it and possibly ask me out on a date. It worked. Our first date was at the armory in St. George for a millitary function August (date unknown) ;) 2008. After our "first date" Nick and I became inseperable. Getting icees from the Maverick in Enoch was our favorite hobby. (I never quite figured out why Nick would want to drive us that far.) Nick stayed in Cedar with me until he made the choice to move home to Emery county March 2009. This is when we began the hellish thing I like to call a "long distance relationship." Nick made a point to come see me every weekend , but "liking" this boy from a distance was still tough. In August 2009, Nick moved back to Cedar to begin his first semester of college with me. I was ecstatic. We moved in together, and I finally heard the big L word. We had a dog named bear, a pantry full of Top Ramen, and a freezer full of party pizzas. We didn't have much, but we made it work. Febuary 2010, Nick drops out of school and leaves AGAIN to work in Emery county, I was heart broken. I put up with the distance for what felt like the longest ten months of my entire life. Looking back now, I would give anything to see Nick only on the weekends. August 9, 2010, Nick proposes to me.He places a blanket over my head and slips a ring on my finger. I say yes. That's it. He can't keep surprises; neither can I. No, it wasn't romantic or well thought through, but it was perfect for us. Nick and I have always had more of a friendship relationship than a romantic one. We tried planning a wedding for Febraury 12, 2011. It didn't happen.We decided to wait because of the circumstance and my schooling. The wedding date is still pending, but it's probably going to take place August 2012. In November 2010 Nick moved back in with me because of his upcoming deployment. November-June 2011 were the best months of my life. June 2011 Nick was deployed for what could be up to a year in Iraq. Our journey hasn't been easy. We do not have the "perfect" relationship. We argue like brother and sister, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We have been through a lot already so I know we can make it through this. Because of Nick I have learned to never take the little things for granted. I have learned to open up like I never have before with anyone else. I have learned to love unconditionally.He has changed me into the person I am today and has taught me so much about myself. I am not going to say Nick is my soulmate because I don't know if he is, but I do know that he is my best friend and the only person I could imagine myself being with. The next year is going to be rough, but we can make it through anything. I love you Nick Behling. You are my hero. God bless you. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. Always love you, always miss you, always proud.

Love, Ash

Living like crazy... or something like that.

Life has been nothing less than a tumultuous ride lately. During the last couple of months many things have changed, yet for some odd reason some things always remain the same.  I started student teaching two weeks ago, and it has been everything I expected and more. I learn new things  every day. The latest thing I learned is that at 22 years of age, I am in fact getting old.  When I told some of my high school students that I thought their shoes were super cute and then proceeded to ask them if all of the girls on the drill team were wearing them, I learned that it was in fact the "new style." These shoes are the sparkly "Toms." Maybe some of you have heard of them? I on the other hand, learned that I am no longer a "fashionista." Although I feel like an "old lady" (this term is used lightly because I realize I am in my early twenties), the highlight of my day is being mistaken for a student or peer in the hallways of Cedar High on a regular basis. That being said, I love where my life is headed right now. The English language is truly my passion, and I am so grateful that I now have the chance to teach my love of literature and the written word to younger generations. On a completely different note, my time right now is strung between work, school, and my child, Pearl (Pearl is my cat by the way). I am saving up my money to go see my best friend in Washington DC in November. This blog is dedicated to keeping my "sister from another mother," Brittney Lee (even though we were both born on the same day) and the love of my life, Nick Susano up to date on what's going on in my life and here at home.  I want you both to know that I think about you and miss you daily, and Nick I am constantly praying for your safe return. My life has been crazy lately. I have my ups and my downs, but for the most part things are going really well. The only things that really stress me out these days are planning my wedding (which as of now is set for August 2012) and deciding what I am going to do with my life once student teaching is over in November. What I am thinking as of now is working constantly for about two months and then going to Europe by myself. I am sure daddy and Nick are totally against this idea. I don't exactly have "street smarts."  Why not? I think it would be exciting.  I feel like it would be the best thing for me right now. Something to get my mind off of things.  I feel like my life is at a stand still. After student teaching the searching begins. I need to make some major decisions. As of now I am not quite sure if I want to go to grad school or try my hardest to find a teaching job.  Graduating college was a real eye opener. It really is time to grow up, and I am not quite sure if I am ready to yet. One thing I do know is that I am ready for my life to move in a different direction. In approximately nine months, I will finally be marrying my best friend. Exactly one year ago my boyfriend of two years asked me to be his wife; two years after our proposal we will finally say our vows. Everything is going to be so exciting and life changing over the duration of the next year. This deployment has been rough, but I do know that it is making me a stronger person. I know that this isn't much of an update on the daily happenings of my life, but in truth my daily life is not that exciting. For those of you that actually cared or spent the time to read this, just know that many times I may just rant or write funny things that only Nick, Brittney, and my close friends might understand. This blog is a way for me to write everything down: the funny, the sad, and the just plain stupid because I often forget to tell my friends "abroad" (one being across the country and one being across the world) these things on the rare occurrence that I speak with them on the phone. That being said have a fantastic night. Much love from Utah.